


Early winter

by chatnoirwritings



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chatnoirwritings/pseuds/chatnoirwritings
Summary: And our love burnt out like an old flame





	1. The beginning of our end

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on the song _Early Winter_ by Gwen Stefani

It was late and you still couldn't sleep. You didn't know how many times you had been rolling over your bed, and instead of tiring you, it made you feel more awake than ever. But what really made you stay awake for the whole night was the fact that you were alone in that big bedroom.

The bed felt strange without the presence of your boyfriend. After one year of sharing your bedroom with him, you felt as a part of you were missing. You tried to sleep on his side, but to no avail. Sleeping on your side again, facing the door, you turned your head to look at the clock.

4:00 am, those bright green numbers said. Next to them, you could see the date. Three days passed since you had been told that Bucky should have arrived from his mission, but he wasn't there.

Where was he?

For this mission Steve, Sam, Natasha and Bucky had been requested to go on their own. Fury had decided that they only needed four people, but, right now, you weren't so sure. You hadn't been told a thing, their only explanation was that they were on the way, that there had been some problems with their quinjet and had to find another way to leave Russia.

But something inside you didn't believe their words. With teary eyes, you tried to sleep a bit, hoping that, once you wake up, you would find Bucky sleeping with you.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It hadn't been an easy mission, Bucky reckoned as he slowly entered into your shared bedroom. After having a shower and changing clothes in the bathroom of his former bedroom, he decided it was time for him to go to sleep. He was really tired.

He still didn't know why Natasha had decided to go with them, it almost cost her life. Sam was also in the infirmary, with some minor injuries that needed to be treated. During their way back home, Steve hadn't said a word; he understood it, as their last conversation hadn't ended well. He needed to think straight before trying to talk to him again, he decided.

Darkness was still filling the room and the inviting silence calmed Bucky's nervousness. Once he approached the bed, he found you on his side; not wanting to wake you, he decided to sleep on yours. Carefully, he got into bed, pulling the sheet and blankets slowly in order not to disturb you. Sending a cautious look towards your form, he laid facing the ceiling and closed his eyes, as unmoving as an ancient statue.

 

He didn't wake you up, mainly because you had been awake all this time. When you sensed the door being opened, you only wanted to jump from the bed and run towards him. But something in the way he walked stopped you from your intention.

Something was wrong. Your presentiments never lied to you. His uneasiness was palpable. Something had happened during the mission. Fear, that feeling also invaded you, although yours was from a very different reason.

And when he laid down and didn't touched you as he would always do, that fear grew much bigger inside you. Bucky always cuddled you, it didn't matter if he felt angry or sad, cuddling was his only way of sleeping with you. You didn't move, as you didn't know what to do.

A pang in your heart alerted something was wrong.

 

And, for the first time, you wished your premonition would have been wrong.


	2. Denial

The next morning felt like a nightmare. Waking up alone on that big bed wanted to confirm what you had feared last night. You wished this was only a nightmare, but the coldness of the sheets felt too real. Laying down as you looked at the ceiling, you closed your eyes, not wanting to leave the room and meet everybody.

What had happened? You asked yourself. You feared finding Bucky on the hall, you feared his behaviour.

But you couldn't stay on bed all day. Reluctantly, you got up and went to your wardrobe to changed your clothes. It was time to face reality, just expecting the worst.

 

But, surprisingly, everything was the same.

 

You found Steve, Bucky, Tony and Wanda in the kitchen. You were taken aback for a moment and stood in the threshold, looking at them on their seats chatting, talking about random things while preparing their breakfast. Tony was the first one to see you.

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” he chanted.

Everybody turned to look at you and, immediately, a smiling Wanda went towards you and hugged you so tightly that for a moment you almost missed Steve darting a glance at where Bucky was.

“Good morning”, you replied fast once Wanda had moved away and went to where Bucky was sitting. He never stopped looking at you.

Without thinking, you kissed him on the lips, waiting for him to return it. He did, although you didn't miss him tensing up while kissing you back. You couldn't help it and your lips let a sad sigh leave you when you broke the kiss. He looked at you as if looking for a solution to his problems, his eyes reflected a great sadness that almost made you tear up. He never stopped looking at you. You didn't avert your gaze either. He opened his mouth slightly, trying to find the correct words.

“Good morning, Buck”, you interrupted his inner dilemma and, without waiting for his response, you went to the fridge in order to find something to eat.

He only followed you with his eyes. Not a word did he say to you.

 

And you knew this was not going to be the only time. You just knew. And you had never felt so alone in this world.

 

* * *

 

You didn't want him to know that you knew something was wrong in your relationship. You were immersed in a real state of denial. You only wanted to continue living your dream life, that life Bucky had promised you the day he asked you out.

That day in the kitchen, you had learnt that the mission had been a very difficult one, that Sam was resting after having get injured slightly, whilst Natasha had needed to be treated. It wasn't Bucky who had told you that, but Steve. His tension was another sign something was wrong with his friend.

But you wanted to ignore it.

So, instead, you did what a good friend would have done and went to visit Nat; but soon you found that there was another sign you decided to ignore.

But something inside you wanted to alert how wrong your decision was.

 

* * *

 

_Infirmary room_ , the sign at the door read. You were told Nat was still there, she was in observation although her injuries were almost healed. You decided to knock before opening the door and you didn't expect finding him in that place.

There he was, sitting next to Natasha's bed, where she sat, looking at you with astonishment. You stopped for a moment before entering. “I came to see Nat”, you almost whispered. “How are you?”, you turned your attention to her.

It was as if that was the cue for Bucky to leave. Sadness was evident in his look. “Bucky?”, you ask him now looking at his retreating form.

“I'll go to see Sam” was his answer.

Then, you turned towards Natasha again, trying to find the answers in her. But she only shrugged her shoulders.

 

* * *

 

After seeing your friend, you decided that Steve was your only hope. You needed to know what was happening to Bucky. If he wouldn't tell you a thing, then asking his best friend would be your only option.

You found him in the gym, punching with such strength that you felt bad for the poor punching bag.

“What has made you so angry?”, you asked as you approached him.

He stopped midway, leaving the bag alone to pay you attention.

“Y/N, what are you doing here?”, he waited for you to mover closer.

“I went to see Nat and found Bucky there”

You didn't need to say anything else. Steve knew why you were there, so he waited for you to continue talking.

“I'm not gonna beat around the bush”, you said. “What the hell is happening? Bucky won't talk to me”

“What makes you think something is wrong?”

“I don't need my powers to tell if something is wrong about Bucky”

Steve looked at you. “Captain?”, you insisted. But he only sighed.

Though you waited for an answer.

“Later we have to go to another mission, only Bucky and I”

“And?”, you insisted. “That is not the answer I'm looking for”.

You knew Steve didn't want to tell you a thing, but he was your only alternative.

“But that is the answer you'll get”. You looked at him surprised. That's it?

He moved in order to leave the gym, but you blocked his way. He raised an eyebrow.

“No”, you said.

“I'm sorry, maybe when we come back you'll be able to talk to him”

That's it. You thought. Turning around, you left the gym and went to look for Bucky, not caring about Steve calling you from behind. You needed answers. You couldn't just wait for them to come back.

That was what you decided before finding him in the big hall that was used as a living room. Bucky was ready for his next mission, waiting for his partner to arrive. When he sensed you walking towards him, he just stood there, almost petrified, waiting for your next movement.

“Bucky, we need to talk”

“I know”, he said.

There, face to face to the love of your life, something in his look intimidated you, almost making you forget why you had gone there.

“What happened in that mission?”, you whispered as you looked at his blue eyes. Those sad blue eyes that wanted to hide their real feelings from you.

He closed his eyes, afraid. And you only could think of soothe his distress.

“Bucky”, you continued whispering.

He opened his eyes at the touch of your right hand on his cheek. You caressed him carefully, afraid of hurting him. Unconsciously, he followed your hand, not wanting to break away from you.

“I...”, he began. “I... I can't...”

Not moving away from him, you decided to let him make up his mind. “But you'll have to”.

“I know”, he answered.

Both of you stood there, as in the middle of a spell, looking at each other. You never stopped caressing him and soon your left hand followed its counterpart. For a moment, everything seemed to be alright.

 

But you couldn't be fooled.

 

Steve's appearance broke that magical moment, and you moved away from him. You never stopped looking at Bucky when they were about to leave the compound. Your eyes always followed him, as if they could see how he was taking your own love from you.

This couldn't be the end. You would talk about it once he came back.

 

This just could not be the end.

 

You decided to ignore the alarm in you.


	3. It's heavy on my heart

Bucky had to leave again, and you could only see him go. You just had stood in the middle of the hall waiting for him to turn around, to look at you the same way you had been doing so. But... nothing... He just had left the compound without second thoughts.

Your first state of denial had started to break down the moment he had entered the quinjet. Emptiness, that feeling had started invading your heart.

_It hurt._

Even when you had tried to keep your mind from him, it hurt.

And now, without him by your side, you asked yourself how that emptiness could be felt so heavy. _It was heavy on your heart._

You needed answers.

Steve hadn't told you a thing, nor had Bucky or Natasha. You only had one more person in mind.

 

Sam.

 

* * *

 

You found him in the shared kitchen preparing himself some snacks.

“Eating again?”, you asked him once you approached him enough to see what he was doing.

“I need to heal fast”, he replies without turning around.

You smiled and stood there, watching him. He remained silent for a moment, too focused on his meal. But your constant gaze was making him a bit nervous. He just couldn't help it.

“Something tells me you're not here for watching me cook”, he said after a while.

“No”, you simple replied. “I need to ask you something about...”

“Bucky”

Now he was paying you total attention. Leaving everything there, he told you to go with him, and the two of you went to sit down in the lounge attached to the kitchen. He waited for you to ask him again.

“What happened on that mission?”, you got to the point.

And Sam tried to tell you everything he knew, though he was almost as confused as you were.

“It all started in that room”, he said. “More than a room, it was an office”.

 

* * *

 

_Sam had left the group for a moment in order to find another way to reach their target. There were Hydra agents everywhere, but they never stopped fighting. Steve, Natasha, Bucky and he were working together in order to finish their task fast and efficiently. Nevertheless, the moment he reached another building, a loud noise followed by people shouting filled his earbuds._

“ _Sam! We need you here!”, Steve's tone worried him. What was going on?_

“ _What the...”_

_Once he managed to go back to where his team was, he couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Natasha had her hands against her side, trying to stop the blood that was attempting to leave through her injury; she had been sitting down on the floor, far from where Steve and Bucky had been fighting against each other._

_They were not_ alone _, fallen agents were spread on the floor._

“ _What the hell, man?” Sam run in order to stop them._

_Bucky's struggle made Steve's task almost impossible. “Help me!”, he begged Sam._

_Sam tried to hold him, it was as if trying to fight against the Winter Soldier again. The struggle was real, and Steve's only chance was to hit him hard on the back of his head._

_Then, Bucky collapsed._

 

* * *

 

Your eyes watered, you couldn't believe what your friend was telling you. Why? What had happened there for him to behave like that? Why had they sent him on another mission then?

You looked at him. No words left your mouth.

“And it seems it started over a file”, he said. “It contained information about both of them, she had tried to hide it, but he was fast enough to see its content; and then, all those agents appeared and started shooting at them, hitting her first”, he continued. “Steve had told me that, the moment Natasha was shot, he just went crazy and headed to kill them off... He, against dozens of agents, on his own”.

You shook your head, frozen where you sat.

_But his violent attack didn't stop even when he finished with the last of them. He just wanted to kill more, he wanted to destroy everything, and Steve had to stop him when he tried to leave the room._

“Before we could react, Natasha, even wounded, managed to destroy that file”. Sam explained.

 

_And whatever that file contained would remain unknown unless they spoke, which seemed impossible right now._

 

* * *

 

Sam's words were following you constantly. On the days that followed, you spent almost the whole time in your bedroom, only leaving it to visit Natasha and having lunch with the rest of the team. You couldn't stop thinking, imagining what it must have been for him, being there, with his past always following him. You couldn't stop thinking about what you would do once he got home. The need for having a proper conversation with him turned stronger. With a resolution, you waited for him. Always having him in your mind.

You needed to show him that everything would be fine, that you would never leave his side, that he could always count on you.

_You really missed him._

So you did what you could only do at that moment. You waited for him and you told yourself that everything would get better.

 

* * *

 

Lying on your bed with your eyes fixed on the ceiling, F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s voice instantly made you get out of it.

 

_Bucky and Steve have returned._

 

You only needed to hear those words in order to leave your bedroom as soon as possible. You ran, you couldn't wait to meet him again. You needed him by your side. As you were going through the different rooms, their voices turned clearer.

Once you reached the main hall, you found him there, with Steve and Natasha, the three of them laughing about something Natasha had said. Her wounds had almost healed and now she was able to move around; meanwhile, both Steve and Bucky looked _terrible_ , it seemed they hadn't even had time to have a proper shower. But you didn't mind.

As soon as you entered, the three turned to look at you, and you didn't wait for them to approach you.

You run towards them and jump over Bucky, hugging him over his shoulders. You hide your face in the crook of his neck so that the others couldn't see your tears. You felt him sighing as he hugged you back. His strong grip made you think he had missed you as much as you had been doing so.

You stayed like that for a moment, unaware of your friends' intentions of leaving the two of you alone. That moment, you only cared about hugging his as much as possible, wishing for that rift to be just a product of your imagination.

_Nevertheless, you never realised your boyfriend's smile lost its shine and disappeared the moment he laid his eyes on you. You never realised that sole sign would bring more hardships in your relationship in the near future._


	4. It's snowing

_You felt trapped in that enormous building. Stark Tower was the only thing you knew of Midgard. They had told you that you were to remain there, you knew it was your punishment, as now it was impossible to return home. The only person you had always trusted in was too far away from you._

“ _If you return now, you'll face a worse fate”, Thor had told you. “Allfather will never forgive you, and you know it”_

_And that was why you were left with those_ heroes _that now were your jailers. Though they let you walk freely inside the Tower, as that single action you had done that time in the hellicarrier, as you saved Steve from falling down, made them trust you... Even just a little._

_Despite that_ freedom _you had got, you were still cautious of them, hiding in your bedroom when all of them would be together in the main common room. It wasn't like you were afraid of them, it was just cautiousness, or that was what you wanted to believe. It never changed even when all of you moved into another building._

 

_But your behaviour changed when that man came._

 

_It was when Steve had been away for a long time when you had been told about what happened inside the team. You could have taken that moment as an advantage in order to scape, nevertheless, you decided to remain, waiting for whoever knew. Tony had explained it to you roughly, first with stubbornness, later, just as an acceptance._

_He was the first person to make a move, and let the others come back to the_ new _team, away from those uniformed men._

_And then it was when you met him, the_ Winter Soldier _, Tony had said._

“ _He is not the winter soldier anymore”, Steve had corrected. “And I hope all of you make sure to remember it”_

_Hidden behind the threshold, you sensed that weariness you had also felt the moment you had been left behind. It was weariness mixed with other emotions you couldn't figure out. He was the image of a mentally defeated man, a man that you learnt had been sleeping for a long long time._

“ _Y/N”, Steve's voice brought you back to reality._

_All faces turned to find you there, away from them, hidden by the thin door frame. You blushed and moved forwards, slowly getting closer to the group._

“ _I want you to meet a very important person to me”, he continued. “Bucky, meet Y/N”_

“ _Hi?”_

_He never replied, he only looked at you, and soon you found yourself drawn to those beautiful yet full of sorrow eyes._

 

_Those eyes that spoke what words couldn't tell._

 

* * *

 

 

Meeting Bucky had been the best thing that had happened to you, and with a smile you remembered the days that followed, how close you soon had got, how fast both had learnt to trust each other, how comfortable you had been with each other.

Those small gestures, those steps in your relationship.

But your smile faded as you looked at the scene before you. After dinner, Bucky hadn't still talked to you, sure he had answered your questions about the mission, but those had been small answers, as in an attempt to finish them as soon as possible.

What also really sadden you was that it seemed to be only you. He was acting the same way with the others, only showing coldness when it was you. You almost felt a stranger surrounded by them, it was as if you were the only one who wasn't meant to be there.

You had always followed your instincts, it was something you had learnt to do thanks to your _teacher_. You always followed your feelings, your premonitions and those omens that would show up before you. And what you were feeling right now wasn't something you could tell aloud. It was not good, and you truthfully wished they were just illusions, a joke of your own untrusting mind.

You sat next to him in the common room, hearing what Sam and Natasha were saying, but not listening to them. Your mind was too far away, it was stuck in the past, a recent past that now seemed like a dream.

You couldn't help it but recall those distant days when you were _his world._ Was it something you had dreamt of?, like a peaceful dream; or had it been Bucky himself who had really told you those lines? Now you didn't know, as you also didn't know how you had reached this point.

What was it that he couldn't tell you? What was it that he didn't want to tell you? You looked to his side, you are sitting next to him, but he felt unreachable.

 

* * *

 

 

_The morning when everything changed for you was a very sunny day, you remembered the warm that the sunlight let inside your bedroom. You had woke up feeling strange, like feeling something was going to happen that day._

_It was a pleasant feeling, and you decided to follow that presentiment._

_So the first thing you did was to head towards the common kitchen, where everybody was supposedly already having breakfast, but the scene before your eyes made you stop._

_There, in the common room, stood him, no one else was there, it was only you and him. And that beautiful bunch of roses that almost covered his face had been the prelude of that flourishing romantic relationship._

 

_Because you made him feel alive._

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky also remembered that day. He would be lying if he said there hadn't been a single moment he wasn't recalling it. For him, those bright eyes that looked surprised when you found him in the middle of the common room were something he wouldn't forget. That morning, you were the most beautiful woman in the world. It didn't matter if you had just woken up, the dishevelled hair accompanied by those silly pyjamas accentuated your beauty. And the moment you returned his feelings, it was like being reborn into a new person. It was a feeling he thought it would have disappeared long time ago, though you made sure to bring it back.

Now, he had felt you staring at him. Now, despite having you next to him, you felt too far away. It wasn't you fault, of course, and he knew you would have to talk about this. But now he didn't dare, he didn't know how you would react. He was afraid, but not for him.

And he didn't even know how to tell you that.

What he knew was you were going to try to worm it out, though he wasn't still ready.

And it didn't come as a surprise when you had arrived that night to your shared bedroom with determination written in your face. “We must talk” were your first words.

 

You had locked the door so no one would disturb you. Bucky sat on your bed and looked at you with indecision. “I know”, he said.

“Well?” You didn't moved from the door and folded your arms, waiting for a better response.

“I...”, he stuttered. “But I just can't. Not now”

You could sense his inner turmoil and sighed. You closed your eyes, as you were deciding if you should insist. You moved forwards, facing him, standing in front of him, and put your arms over his shoulders.

He looked up in order to find your sad look. Your eyes tried to find a response on his features, but it was fruitless. “Then, when?”, you asked.

“I need time”, was his answer.

You didn't know if you should say the words that wanted to leave your mouth. It was a risk. You were afraid, but also needed to understand him.

“Is it something I have done or...”

“No!”, he exclaimed and moved his arms fast and hugged you around your waist. You could see his eyes were tearing up, though he tried to hide it under his continuous blinking.

“Bucky...”, you tried to gather your courage.

He looked at you, expectant.

 

“ **Do you still love me**?”


	5. Tears

_Do you still love me?_

 

That question had haunted you since you spoke up. You couldn't forget Bucky's expression after saying those words. He hadn't really expected them.

 

_Those eyes that had turned from showing surprise to sadness hit you deeply. You regretted saying that, and you dreaded what his response would be._

_Bucky soon recovered from his sad surprise, and tried to hide his inner battle from you._

“ _I love you”, he sounded sincere, but your cloudy mind saw a hint of hesitation._

“ _I love you”, he repeated and his arms that had been around you the whole time tightened, as if they were afraid of letting you go, afraid of you disappearing for ever._

_But there were still questions that needed to be answered._

“ _Then... why?”, you asked. “Why have you been ignoring me?”_

_But Bucky didn't have an answer to that... Not just yet._

 

Maybe you shouldn't have said those words to him. You really had dreaded his reaction. You were afraid of this situation, of his feelings towards you. You remembered Sam's words about what might have been on those files about Bucky and Natasha.

It was as if you were drowning, you felt that way. Sometimes tears would come to your eyes thinking about what had made Bucky act that way. You didn't know what your next steps should be, too afraid of triggering him.

Though you also had the feeling that question had also had an effect on your boyfriend. A very bad effect, you shouldn't have told him that.

 

_Do you still love me?_

 

That question had also been haunting him the whole time. He knew you didn't want to hurt him, but something inside him had opened a supposedly closed door in his mind. At first he had been unaware of that, but then, the nightmares had started again...

 

_The first movement had been overlooked at first, a subtle change that didn't wake you up. Then, the laboured breathing followed. It wasn't till Bucky's screaming woke you abruptly. You sat down on your bed and immediately switched the light on. You leant to look at him._

“ _Bucky!”, you called him as you went to his side, moving him._

_He was tossing as his screaming was replaced by incoherent pleadings. “Bucky!”, you tried one more time._

_Then, he stilled and opened his eyes. His distressed eyes fell on yours. “Bucky... What's happening?”_

_He remained immobile for a moment, just looking at you as he tried to differentiate between his nightmare and reality. “Y/N...”_

_And you cried. “Y/N”, he called you again as his hand went to touch your cheek. “Y/N...”_

_You lay down almost on him and hide your face in the crook of his neck._

“ _What is happening?”_

_But your question remained unanswered._

 

* * *

 

 

That morning you woke up with a headache. Another sleepless night in which you had been trying to calm Bucky and help him go back to sleep. You sat down, still groggy, and looked at your side.

Bucky had already left the bedroom, the cold sheets were the evidence of his long absence. You decided to get up too, not wanting to stay in bed anymore. You wanted to go to where he was in order to face him properly. You were getting tired of this.... thing. His silence, his doubts, his anxiety, you were feeling the same way. You knew you weren't going to be able to carry on with this situation. It was maddening. And you could stand it.

You were fast to get ready before going to the common room, where the rest of the Avengers would be together. Fortunately, Bucky would also be there.

_Pretending everything was alright. Pretending life could go one without talking about what had happened. Pretending there would be no need for you to know._

As expected, you found them on the common room, most of them on the kitchen.

“Good morning”, you said as you approached Steve and Sam.

Bucky was also there, having breakfast as everybody else. Though, his demeanour alerted you.

_Lots of things had been alerting you of his state._

“Bucky?”, you said as you went to his sitting form.

He looked at you and stood up.

“Hey”, he just said and bent slightly to leave a kiss on your cheek.

 

_Short distant kisses that were only made to fulfil your emptiness. Kisses made for pretending in front of others. Kisses made to convince himself that everything would be alright._

 

It was a short kiss which could mean everything and, at the same time, nothing at all. A kiss being followed by distance.

“Where are you going?”, you asked him as he moved around you in order to go towards the door.

You turned around, your eyes following him. You ignored Steve, who was carefully looking at both of you.

“I have to go somewhere”, he just said. But he never stopped, talking to you as he continued walking.

You followed him, followed his steps as he were heading towards the main entrance. Once you reached that destination, you stopped abruptly and focused on the sight in front of you.

 

_Or the person who was in front of you_.

 

“Y/N...”, Natasha's voice froze you.

What was she doing there?

Why was Bucky going with her to an unknown place? Where was he going?

_What was he doing?_

Lots of questions, all of them had been remained unanswered. Now, as you saw both of them about to leave the building, something inside you broke. Something inside you let your imagination go.

_Where were they going?_

You knew Natasha was talking to you, you saw her mouth moving.

But you didn't hear.

You just didn't care. _Not anymore_. You were fed up with this nonsense.

“James”, you called him.

Bucky stopped, turning around slowly. _James_. You barely called him that way.

He waited. Waited for what would follow.

“I'm not going to ask you anymore”, you sentenced. “If you leave now to... wherever you are going with her... I won't care anymore”

You saw his hesitation. His unsteady restraint. He wanted to go to you, but there were some things that needed to be done.

_He had chosen poorly. He had never known how to act in some situations._ You had always been aware of that. _But you had been enduring it for a long time_.

“I'm sorry”

He must have chosen wrongly, he thought as he moved away, he didn't looked back, as he knew the anguished look on your face would be enough to make him stop.

 

_I won't care anymore_.

 

Your words pierced him.

 

_I won't care anymore_.

 

It could be the sentence that would lead to your end. As that flame that was about to be consumed.

But you wouldn't going to care.... Or at last, that was what you would try.

 


	6. Should I give in?

Bucky never looked back. Your words, though, haunted him the whole journey. Natasha's look didn't help at all, her remorse still evident on her eyes.

“You should tell her”, she had told him, tired of keeping silent.

But Bucky's resolution was firm. He wouldn't tell you. Not yet.

 

_I won't care anymore_.

 

He knew you were on the verge of something he dreaded. But this was how he decided to deal with it.

Bucky really wanted you to know about his real and truthful actions. And he was hurting you, he knew it, and it really was destroying him.

 

* * *

 

 

They would be back later, and first you had even considered waiting for them in order to demand an explanation. You had reached your limit.

_I won't care anymore_. Maybe you should just follow that statement. Bucky's behaviour had affected you deeply and you couldn't just help it and stay there, waiting for something, _an answer_ , but the dark feelings were invading your own mind.

“Should I give in then?”, no sooner had you realised you had said those words aloud that helpless tears started to fall.

“Is it the end?”

It was an unanswered question told to no one, only the shut door making it more real. _It might be the end,_ you supposed.

_This might be the signal_. You agreeded.

But another different kind of signal might have just arrived to guide you along this trembling path.

 

* * *

 

 

Your steps were firm and fast, Nick Fury had just called you demanding your presence in the meeting room and you could tell it was urgent by his tone over the phone. Once you opened the door, you saw him.

“Y/N”, he called you.

You stopped. You couldn't believe what you were seeing. He was there, after almost three years, and he had changed a lot. He sensed your hesitation and approached you, he knew you didn't know what your next step should be, as not so long time ago you decided to follow his brother. He had forgiven you and wanted to make you know it.

“Come here”, he said and intermediately hug you tightly.

Your eyes watered as you hugged him back. He had been your friend and bad decisions made your relationship fall apart.

Thor felt your hug and smiled. “I missed you, my friend”.

Once you parted, you looked at him as you moved your hand to touch the patch on his eye. Surprise and sadness were written on your face.

“A lot of things have happened”, he explained. “But before I tell you about them...”

Thor moved away, leaving a space between you and him. He turned to look behind him, and your eyes followed this movement...

Until they fell upon a so familiar person. Then, you didn't hesitate and run towards him, ignoring the looks on the Avengers that were arriving to the meeting.

“Loki!”, you shouted, you didn't care. Your friend and former mentor was in front of you. “I knew you were alive!”

Loki received your embrace with the same enthusiasm, not caring what his image would be showing to his former enemies.

“I'm here... Y/N”, he whispered to your ear as his arms circled your form. “And I'm not planning to leave you behind again”

 

_Maybe this was the signal you were looking for_.

 

And, for the first time in a while, you felt happiness coming back to you. A happiness shared by Thor.

Although this scene wasn't so thrilling for someone else, as you hugging that unknown newcomer wasn't something Bucky had foreseen when he arrived to the compound. It was also surprising for Natasha, who was now facing someone else, the _silent_ newcomer.

“Bruce...”

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky had never felt so determined after all these events. The first time was when he had asked you out and now he was feeling it again. That exhilarating feeling of loving someone and the feeling of wanting to fight for that love.

He might have chosen badly in the past, but Nat had opened his eyes. “It's something she must know”, she had said. “Talk to her and she'll understand”.

As both were returning to the compound, Bucky's mind wouldn't stop imagining how your encounter would be. What your reaction was going to be, and how he could start explaining. It was difficult. But you two would make it in the end.

His moment of happy peacefulness was momentary, as what he found in the meeting room was something unexpected, and threatening.

“Loki!”, your cry stopped him in his tracks. With wide eyes, Bucky closed the door and approached the group next to Natasha.

His demeanour suddenly changed. He didn't like this.

You hugging someone else he didn't know. You simply hugging an unknown man. No, he didn't like it.

Not a bit.


	7. When it gets too much

There were so many things to tell Loki. You two hadn’t seen each other for a long time, as last time you saw him was when Thor had taken him to Asgard after New York’s attack. Loki soon learnt about you, feeling disappointed at you not being able to improve your own skills. He had been your mentor, teaching you all magic skills you could learn, but after his absence, you weren’t able to continue. He would ensure you’d make progress again.

He had also learnt about the other _man out of time_. The former Winter Soldier, and he was not happy with what you were saying to him. He suspected there must have been something behind his actions, but he didn’t say a thing.

“I don’t know what to do. It’s too much for me”

It was his loss, Loki thought.

Loki also told you about Asgard so that you could catch up on your _home_ ’s news. You just couldn’t believe what had happened.

“I should’ve been there too,” you cried. “Why did I have to stay here?”

That day, Loki comforted you, you had felt useless, not being able to help your own people, those you grew up with. What was going to happen now? Asgard…

 

* * *

 

 

“Y/N, please sit down,” Nick Fury said when you entered the meeting room “we are about to start”.

As you sat down, you looked at the attendees, almost all the avengers were there… And Loki. But…

“Where’s Thor?”

“He has a realm to rule.”

You sat down between the Valkyrie and Loki , asking him silently, he only shrugged.

“But his brother is here.” Tony complained.

Nick looked at him. “We’ve come to terms with Thor. Loki will be taking his position in the meantime for this mission. It is in two days, being it an emergency, so we need him.”

“What?” Steve asked, he sat down next to Bucky, who were silent, but his eyes spoke for him. They never left you and you were uncomfortably aware of that.

After your talk with Loki, Bucky had tried to approach you, as if he had something to tell you. But Loki had been there too and never left your side, which discouraged Bucky’s attempt. You wanted to be with him, though you didn’t dare, what would you say?

“For this mission, there will be two teams.” Fury continued. “Those who will carry out the mission and those who will support them inside the quinjet, to monitor and assess the situation”.

All the attendees waited for him to continue.

“Captain, you will take Barton, Y/N and Loki with you.”

“Yes”, Steve said.

“Romanoff, Banner and Barnes will stay inside the quinjet and wait for assistance”

Bucky frowned. “Is there a reason why we are staying inside?”

“Yes, there is”, Fury confirmed. “You are going to _that_ place in Russia”

 

And he didn’t need to explain more.

 

* * *

 

Natasha was merciless, the way she trained with you showed no compassion. “They are not going to show it either”, she had said. Training with her was always exhausting, and now you had also been training your magic with Loki, so preparing for tomorrow’s mission was the only thing taking up your time.

Bucky was there too, following you, his anger still evident, though it matched yours, as you couldn’t believe you had had to hear his stupid accusations. You were too tired of this fight between you two, and having Natasha there didn’t help at all. 

Why her?

 

_After the meeting with Fury, Bucky followed you to your shared bedroom._

_“Why are you doing this?” He asked._

_“Why am I doing what?”_

_“This! Ignoring me and not leaving that god’s side!”_

_“He is my teacher!” You exclaimed. “And I haven’t heard of him all this years!”_

_Bucky kept quiet and turned around._

_“Where are you going?”_

_Bucky went to the door and opened it in order to find a smiling Loki. “What?”_

_“I want to talk with Y/N, if it is not too much trouble”, Loki said._

_“It is.” Bucky replied and, to your surprised and Loki’s amusement, he closed the door._

_“Bucky!”, you shouted and went to open it again. “What are you doing?”_

_“Don’t open it”, he didn’t shout this time, which made it a bit more frightening._

_But you opened it anyway, and Loki still stood there._

_“Can’t you see we are busy?”, He told Loki as he went to block the door with his body, pushing you slightly inside the room again._

_“Why?” Loki said. “I just wanted to meet my lovely friend”_

_Bucky felt his blood boiling._

_“Listen here…”_

_But you interrupted him, pushing him back. “Loki, please, I’ll meet you downstairs in a second,” you tried to smile to him, “OK?”_

_“Sure, my darling”._

_And Bucky swore he couldn’t hate him even more. Before leaving, Loki took your hand in his and moved it towards his lips, leaving a soft kiss against it. Bucky didn’t think twice, and shoved you against him, closing the door and slamming the door in Loki’s face._

 

_Loki’s laugh could be heard from the other side of the door, which didn’t help at all._

 

* * *

 

 

Last night’s event invaded your mind and you couldn’t stand it.

“Where are you going?” Nat asked you when you stood up and went to pick up your bag.

Loki saw you and moved from his spot in the gym to follow you.

“I want to be alone”, you told him.

And he respected it.

 

Your bedroom was your only shelter right now, Bucky hadn’t moved from that bench in the gym, which meant you would have time for yourself, to think about him, to gather courage and talk to him —now, that he wanted to talk to you.

But first you wanted to be alone, even if it was just for a few minutes. You knew he would come soon, so you walked fast through the corridors and went to your door. You opened it and that was when you saw it.

On your table there was the most beautiful bouquet you had ever seen, it took you aback for a moment before closing the door behind you. You went to pick up the visible envelope that laid next to it and opened it carefully.

Your eyes widened. You trembled. And you let an almost inaudible sobbing escape your lips.

“How could I have forgotten it?”, you asked yourself.

And then, the door was opened, and you knew who was behind you.

 

“Happy Anniversary…” Bucky murmured, “I think”.

 

* * *

 

 

The mission itself wasn’t so difficult, but knowing that Bucky was waiting in the quinjet made you feel nervous. As you were knocking down the enemy, you came to a decision —you were going to talk to him. This couldn’t continue. You loved him so much that you would listen to him, you’d listen to his explanation. Why had he acted that way in the past months? You needed to know.

 

Bucky thought the same. The previous events had made him make up his mind. He couldn’t wait for you to return, having you in his arms again. He loved you. He had been stupid, really stupid, and he only wanted to make up for lost time and explain. He knew you were going to listen to him. And he prayed you would forgive his actions, or lack of.

He couldn't wait for the mission to end, because he felt uneasy. Not being able to fight by your side made him anxious. Bucky knew that Loki was with you, protecting you, and, at the same time, he couldn’t help it but feel jealous, because that role was meant only for him. You were his everything, and he was ready to open up.

So lost in thought was he that he almost missed the shoutings from outside. But Loki’s wordsthrough the speakers inside the quinjet brought him back to reality. He froze.

“Y/N is down! I repeat, Y/N is down!”, Loki’s words were heard. Natasha looked at Bucky, alerted, as Bruce tried to communicate with the team.

 

Bucky felt his own world collapse.


	8. After Winter Comes Spring

Your first anniversary had been full of surprises. Bucky had never thought he could feel so carefree again. But you were there with him. _You, whom Bucky cared the most, had never left his side and he could feel alive again._

_“Another gift?” Your laugh was contagious._

_Bucky grinned and moved moved his arm to show you what had been behind him. You gasped at the bouquet and took it._

_“You remembered my favourite flowers!” You beamed._

_His smile never disappeared as he walked forwards, no space now between the two of you, and carefully, without spoiling the flowers, he encircled you in his arms._

_“How could I forget?” He asked and you leaned to your side in order to put the bouquet on the table next to you. “I love you so much.” He whispered._

_His words only meant to you, to be heard only by you. You hugged him back._

_“I love you too.” You said to him, your chest heaving as he leaned a bit in order to meet your eyes. “You’ve made me the happiest man of this world.”_

_And his sweet kiss sealed his confession, as a promise he would always keep. A kiss that sealed his love for you._

_A never-ending love that you would always return._

 

* * *

 

 

“Y/N is down!” Loki’s repetition brought him back to reality. Shock evident in his face.

For the first time in a while Bucky found himself unable to move. His eyes fixed on the machine in front of him.

“Buck?” Natasha called him fearful.

And he snapped. Bucky moved fast before anyone else and run towards the quinjet’s exit. He run, he went nowhere, he didn’t know where to find you, so he run near the quinjet, knowing the team would be back soon. He just couldn’t stay still. Your life was at risk.

Bucky felt a rage boiling inside him. Why had he accepted Fury’s orders and stayed inside the jet. Why? He went back to the aircraft’s door and waited. Why? He trembled. He looked around, but found nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

_“You need to tell her.” It’s what Natasha had been telling him all this time. Maybe she had been right. Maybe he should have told you before._

_Maybe this way everything would be fine again. Bucky sighed and looked at the clock next to the night stand next to his cold bed. Today he had decided to sleep in another room, your argument still recent in his mind._

_“What the hell is wrong with you!?” You had shouted after having been so silent._

_Even he didn’t have the answer._

_He missed you. He really missed you._

_But he was so embarrassed, so frustrated, so lost. Why had he had to read those documents? He closed his eyes, but your angry face came to his_ vision _. He was afraid of how you would react, but Bucky was sure he was making it worse while remaining silent._

_Those documents… Those files… That programme about creating new_ killing machines _out of him and Natalia… Had they already achieved that? He wasn’t sure. He only knew how outraged he had felt at that moment, and that feeling of burnout he had felt afterwards._

_And your welcoming face when he had arrived. That contrast._

_Bucky opened his eyes again but saw nothing against the darkness that filled the bedroom._

_When you had welcomed him from his mission, he hadn’t known how to act, as if his mind had gone back to that dreadful and tragic past. And he hadn’t been able to differentiate his past from his present._

_And you were his present._

_Or so you had been._

_Now he only hoped there were a future for the two of you._

_Because he couldn’t live a life without you._

 

* * *

 

 

“We are here!” Steve’s announcement made Bucky turn around to find your way.

Steve was the first who had appeared, next to Clint. Bucky looked for you wild. “Where’s Y/N!” He shouted.

Steve arrived in front of his friend and was about to answer when your voice came from behind.

“James?” You called him.

And Bucky didn’t think twice. 

He pushed Steve aside and tried to find you. His actions spoke for themselves. And soon he found you.

You stood next to Loki, with your hand you were touching the single wound on your eyebrow. For a moment, Bucky stood still, watching you, looking for any more wounds. 

But he found nothing.

“What’s wrong?” You asked him, still unsure of his own behaviour.

But Bucky went to meet you halfway and hugged you. “Buck?” You asked again.

He never released you, so you let him, with a questioning look on your face you hugged him back. A soft muttering reached your ears, though you didn’t understand.

Then, when you were about to ask him what was wrong, he moved away, his look changed completely. He looked at you one more time before looking at your left. You followed him and found a smirking Loki standing there.

And you knew that your friend and mentor had done something, you knew that look. And you didn’t like what you saw on Bucky.

He snapped again and no one knew he had decided to make Loki pay for his lie.

“Bucky!”

So he bolted and punched the god in the face.

 

* * *

 

Silence had invaded the quinjet as everybody returned home. Loki sat down with a handkerchief against his nose and you had been made sit down next to Bucky, whose hand had never left yours after Steve’s intervention. You looked at him and found him already looking at you. His warm hand was really welcoming after what had happened these recent months. You didn’t speak, you just looked at each other, as if learning about yourselves, as if trying to guess what was going to happen.

His hand, this single action of taking your hand, was a signal of what awaited ahead. But now you didn’t want to think too much about it.

You were exhausted.

Bucky’s eyes never left you for a moment, and brightness came back to them after you rested your head against his shoulder. Bucky wanted to hug you again, but decided not to. He knew you needed to talk in the first place, so he decided to cherish this calming moment.

_I love you_. He thought as he leaned his cheek on the top of your head. _I really do._

 

* * *

 

Everything felt different. The warm light made everything calmer. Or was it the fact that you were with him again? In that bedroom full of memories, looking at each other as if it was the first time for both. Your smile welcomed Bucky and encouraged him to start talking.

“I owe you more than an apology.” He said.

You sat down in your bed, that bed that had witnessed the collapse of your relationship and the same bed that would witness its rebirth.

“And an explanation.” You added.

He sighed, though this time it wasn’t due to his exasperation, but to his agreement. Bucky walked and sat down next to you. His hand immediately found yours, he couldn’t be apart from you anymore. It was time. 

“I promise you I’ll explain everything.” He continued. “But first I want to tell you how sorry I am.”

He was looking at you, this time he wasn’t going to look away. Your eyes found his and they spoke from themselves.

“I love you so much.” You blurted out.

And Bucky smiled. 

You knew he needed to hear those words. They meant everything. They would encourage him to speak out. Bucky knew this was the right moment to talk about what had been tormenting him during these months. And he knew you needed to know. 

He positioned himself so he could face you better, you followed suit. Your hands never let his go. 

But the warming atmosphere was broken by his shaking voice. You frowned.

“But I don’t know how to start…” He confessed.

You could feel his sadness, you felt his fear. And you shared those feelings.

A pang reached your heart. And you closed your eyes, letting a long sigh before you opened them again. You didn’t like what you found in front of you.

That look, you knew that look of his. _He must be remembering his past_. And you hated it.

So you decided to smile again and surprise him with a single kiss on his lips. Bucky widened his eyes and let your hand go.

Your smile never faltered. 

“You can tell me when you are ready.” You said. “I know it hurts. I’ll wait”.

And Bucky wouldn’t stand it anymore. Surprising you with a hug, he cried against your shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry!”

And it made you cry with him.

“I love you. I love you.” He chanted between his crying. “I really do love you.”

And you hugged him back, letting him release all he had been keeping for himself. All that pain, all that distress. Everything.

You stayed with him the whole night, hugging at each other.

Comforting him in the secrecy of your shared bedroom.

 

* * *

 

Light entered through the curtains and without any hurry at all, it unveiled two sleeping bodies that laid in the big bed. The image of two lovers hugging each other during the sunrise.

Bucky had been first to wake up. His red eyes contrasted the amorous smile that was only meant for you. But you didn’t see it. Your tranquil breathing told him you were still in the world of Morpheus. He bent towards you and kissed your forehead lovingly. 

You stirred in your dream.

Bucky loved you so much it hurt. You deserved every happiness and he intended to give you everything he could. When he had woken up early in the morning he thought about it.

_Today was the day_. 

His hand moved slightly in order to pull away some locks of your hair.

Today was the day. And you opening your eyes was the signal for it. Bucky kissed you again, this time on your lips, which you sleepily welcomed. “I love you.” He whispered and your smile widened.

_Today I’ll tell her everything._

And at this moment the future looked promising. Everything was going to be alright.

Because your love was strong and nothing would be able to break you up.

And the birds singing outside the warm bedroom made Bucky realise your love would never end.

So he smiled and kissed you again.

 

_**It had seemed our love had burnt out like an old flame, but we managed to rekindle it, making our love even stronger.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end?


End file.
